Modern Flirtations: A Novel Page 2

  CHAPTER I.

  The newspapers have recently adopted a strange habit of sometimesunexpectedly seizing an individual's name, long since retired frompublic notice, and gibbetting it up before the world's eye, when leastanticipated, by volunteering a paragraph to announce, that some agedlord, or ex-minister, whom no one has remembered to think of for halfa century or more, is residing on his estates, and enjoying, theeditor is happy to understand, astonishing health, considering hisadvanced years. In observance of this custom, an exclamation ofirritability and astonishment, too violent to be worthy of record, waselicited one day, from a dignified and very distinguished-looking oldgentleman, with a venerable head, such as Titian might have painted,and a high lofty forehead bearing the traces of deep thought andfeeling, when, after having seated himself on his favorite arm chairat the United Service Club in Edinburgh, his eye rested with a look ofkindling amazement on these few lines, in large consequential-lookingtype, on a leading column of the Courant.

  _June 1829._ "We are happy to inform our readers that the brave andnoble veteran, once a distinguished hero in many a well-fought fight,Sir Arthur Dunbar, G.C.B., is yet alive, reposing on his well-earnedlaurels, at a retired mansion in the marine village of Portobello.Though frequently and most severely wounded in battle, besides beingdeprived of an arm in Lord Rodney's engagement during the year '82, theAdmiral's health continues unimpaired and his cheerfulness invariable,at the advanced age of 70."

  "Pshaw! stuff and nonsense! Some enemy is resolved to make alaughing-stock of me in my old age!" exclaimed he, angrily pointing outthe paragraph to his gay young relative, Louis De Crespigny, who wasfamiliarly leaning over the high back of his chair; and then crumplingup the offending Courant with an obvious wish that it might be consumedin the flames--"I hope this is only the work of some wretchedpenny-a-liner; but if I even suspected that my conceited, good-lookingscoundrel of a nephew had a hand in the jest, I would cut him off with ashilling,--or rather without one, for I could scarcely raise so much asa shilling to leave him, and he knows that. This is most thoroughlyridiculous! I, who have been dead, buried, and forgotten for years, tobe made as conspicuous here, as a hair-dresser's wig-block! The editorshall be prosecuted,--horse-whipped,--or--or made as absurd as he hasmade me!"

  "Why really, Admiral, I wish he had as much good to say of us all, andthen the sooner he paragraphs about me the better!--'We are happy toinform our readers that the agreeable and fascinating Cornet DeCrespigny, of the 15th Light Hussars, now in his eighteenth year, isstill alive!'--the public likes to know the exact age of distinguishedmen, such as you and I, Admiral!"

  "The public is an ass!" replied Sir Arthur, breaking into a smile;"and perhaps I am another, to mind what is said at all, but thatrascal of an editor has made me ten years older than I am; besideswhich, though a grey-haired Admiral of sixty-four is not probably muchaddicted to blushing, he really has put my modest merit out ofcountenance. I would rather pay the newspapers any day for overlookingthan for praising me. We ought to live or die for our country; butnow, when I am no longer needed, let me stay in peace on the shelf,like," added he, giving a comic smile at his empty sleeve, "like acracked tea-cup with the handle off!"

  "But, Sir Arthur!" replied the young Cornet warmly, "you who neverturned your back on friend or foe, are not very likely to remainquietly on the shelf, as long as every man who lives must respect you,and every man who dies continues to appoint you, as my father did, hisexecutor, the trustee of his estates, and the guardian of hischildren, asking you to lend them a hand, as you have done to me inall the difficulties of life."

  "I have but one hand to lend, and that is much at your service, inwhatever way it can be useful! the other, though absent without leave,has been my own best friend, as the loss of that arm was the luckiesthit in the world. It obtained me a step at the time, and the pensionhas supported me ever since. What with my nephew's franticextravagance, and my two young nieces being but indifferently providedfor, I often wish, like every body else, for a larger income. Poorgirls!" added Sir Arthur, knitting his bushy eye-brows into aportentous frown, which gave to his venerable countenance a look ofnoble and manly sorrow. "No one can blame them! but it was littleshort of insanity in my brother to leave such young children under thesole guardianship of a heartless spendthrift like your friend and mynephew Sir Patrick, who would sell his soul for sixpence."

  "Yes! and squander it the next minute," added young De Crespigny,laughing. "I saw Pat produce a L20 note yesterday at Tait'sauction-room, and a buzz of wonder ran all through the circle of hisfriends. Such a sight had not been seen in his pocket for many a day,and he threatened to put it up to auction, saying, he was sure wewould all give double the value for it, as a rarity, considering thequarter from which it came. He really seems to pique himself on hispoverty, and has the art of doing what another man would be cut for,with so much grace and apparent unconsciousness, that his friendsreally forget to disapprove."

  "I never forget!" replied the Admiral, slowly rising and adjusting hisspectacles. "I am even told the incorrigible rascal has mortgaged thelegacy he pretends to expect from me! He would do anything short of ahighway robbery for money, and has done some things that seem to a manof honor quite as bad. But," added Sir Arthur, growing more and moreangry, "as long as he can give his friends a good bottle of claret,they ask no questions! Patrick Dunbar has caused me the only feelingof shame I ever had occasion for, and yet to see that proudsnuff-the-moon look of his, you would suppose the world scarcely bigenough to hold him! With his chin in the air, as I saw him yesterday,he will certainly knock his forehead some day against the sky!"

  "You cannot wonder, Sir Arthur, that Dunbar is in immense favor withhimself, when he is so admired, and almost idolized in society. Hecertainly has the handsomest countenance in Scotland;--as my uncleDoncaster says, Pat is a portrait of Vandyke in his best style. Withthat grand, chivalrous, Chevalier-Bayard look, he is the best riderwho ever sat on horseback! I could not but laugh when he mountedyesterday for a ride along Princes Street, and turned to me, with hislively, victorious laugh, saying, 'Now I am going to give the ladies atreat!'"

  "The insufferable coxcomb!" said Sir Arthur, relaxing into anirresistible smile of indulgent affection. "From the day he firstcame staggering into this world to astonish us all, he has thoughthimself the finest sight between this and Whitehall!"

  "Of course he does! Pat is asked for so many locks of his hair, byvarious young ladies, that his valet keeps a wig to supply them; andhe might almost pay his debts with the countless collection he hasreceived of sentimental rings, displaying forgotten forget-me-nots, inturquoises and gold! Who, on the wide earth, except yourself, SirArthur, would ever dream of finding fault with our gay, dashing,high-spirited friend, Dunbar, the life of society, the model of dress,equipage, and good living. Why! the very instant he opens his lips,all dulness vanishes like a spectre! I wish the whole world werepeopled with such men; but he promises to shoot himself as soon as hesees his own equal. He staked his reputation one day that he would!"

  "His reputation!! the sooner he parts with it the better! Let PatrickDunbar exchange his own with the first man he meets in the street, andhe will gain by the bargain."

  "Pardon me there, Sir Arthur, your nephew is universally allowed to bethe best fellow upon earth!"

  "Very probably! 'the best fellow upon earth' generally means aselfish, extravagant, scatter-brained roue; but I must be off! Thereis a cold, sharp, cutting wind, blowing in at the back of my neck,which makes me feel like Charles the First when the axe fell. If youhave any influence, De Crespigny, with my scape-grace of a nephew--allnephews are scape-graces, as far as my experience goes--try to makehim more like yourself, and I shall be grateful, with all my heart."

  "Like me!!!" said the young Cornet, turning away with a smile; but itwas a smile of bitterness, almost amounting to remorse, while hehastily grasped a newspaper, and flung himself into a seat. "No! no!Sir Arthur, he is not quite so bad as that. Dunbar has his faults; hewears the
m upon his sleeve, and attempts no disguise; but there aremany worse men in the world, who are held up as examples by those whoknow no better. Whenever I reform myself, you may depend upon mylecturing our friend, but not till then. We must both sow all our wildoats first."

  "Yes! and endure the fruit of them afterwards," replied Sir Arthur,with a look of anxious kindness at his young relative. "That is theonly crop where to sow is more agreeable than to reap! But I wastewords! Young men will be young men, and I might as well ask this eastwind not to blow, or try to turn the sea from its course, as attemptto stop the mad career of that scatter-brained madcap! It would matterless if he only fell himself hereafter, like a pebble in the stream;but the fatal eddy extends in a wide circle, which must reach theinterests of those helpless young girls, my nieces; and I cannot butgrieve over the consequences which may, and must befall them, after Igo to that rest which is in the grave, and to that hope which isbeyond it."

  "Never trouble your head about that which shall occur then, Sir Arthur!'Too much care once made an old man grey.' My motto is, '_apres moi ledeluge_!' This little world of ours got on wonderfully well before wecame into it, and will do astonishingly well again, after we make ourexit," said young De Crespigny, with a strange medley in his tone, ofmelancholy thought, and contemptuous derision. "Pat tells me that bothmy young cousins promise to turn out a perfect blaze of beauty, withlong shining ringlets that they almost tread upon in walking, teeththat would make the fortune of a dentist, and complexions thatRowland's kalydor could not improve. Ten years hence, I shall proposeto one or both of them myself, if that will give you satisfaction."

  "Perfect! but as marrying two sisters at once is not quite customary,let your intentions be limited to Agnes. She is several years theeldest; and I like the good old patriarchal rule of marrying byseniority; besides which, she is quite a little flirt already, thoughscarcely yet in her teens. She will be a young lady, entirely suitedfor the ordinary marrying and giving in marriage of every-day life;but little Marion is the very light of my eyes, and I must match herby a very high standard indeed. It will be a dark day for me, if everI am obliged to part with her at all; and being now only in her sixthyear, I may, without selfishness, hope to keep her beside me for myfew remaining days. I must begin match-making for Agnes, however,directly, and your offer shall be duly considered. A future peer, withcountless thousands in expectancy, and not particularly ill-looking,does not fall in our way every morning."

  "So all the young ladies seem to think!" replied the young Cornet, inhis most conceited tone. "Girls dislike nothing so much as to marry ona competence; there is a great deal of romance in marrying on nothing,and a great deal of comfort in marrying on wealth; but a mere vulgarcompetence has neither romance nor reality. Now I can offer both!First, actual starvation on a Cornet's pay; and then, with my uncle'sleave, the pumpkin will turn to a carriage, and the mice into horses;but in the meantime, Sir Arthur, Pat tells me you keep a capitalchop-house at Portobello, so pray invite me to drop in some day atsix, to begin my siege of your pretty niece. I must come and see,before I can conquer," added Mr. De Crespigny, in a tone of peculiarconceit, with which he always spoke either to ladies or of them."Probably next week I may find my way to this _terra incognita_of yours. Is it across the Queensferry, or where?"

  "My good friend! you are not so pre-eminently ignorant of geography asyou would appear; for did I not see you honoring that dullest of alldull places, the little obscure village of Portobello, with youraugust presence, only yesterday. I nearly spitted you on the point ofmy umbrella, you hurried so rapidly past, evidently wishing to escapefrom that girl in a cloak, who seemed to beset your footsteps!"

  "Impossible!!!" exclaimed young De Crespigny, coloring violently, andstarting from his seat. "Could it be in the nature of things that Ishould cut you!"

  "True enough! I might have said, like Lady Towercliffe to PrinceMeimkoff, '_vous m'avez coupe_.'"

  "Indeed!" continued the cornet, trying to conceal his countenance. "Iwish you had cut my throat in return!"

  "If it is to be done, I would rather somebody else did! Why, DeCrespigny! you will set the house on fire with that violent pokerexercise! Your own face is on fire already! Have more regard for yourcomplexion! Ah! now it is pale enough! Are you ill? My dear fellow!what is the matter?"

  "Nothing! I am merely looking at the beautiful sunset!"

  "What! does the sun set in the east to-night?" asked Sir Arthur,jestingly; "that is worth looking at!"

  "I am annoyed with a spasm of toothache!" said De Crespigny, putting ahandkerchief to his face, which nearly covered it; and then suddenlythrowing open the window, he looked far out, as if in search of hisgroom. He leaned forward so long, however, that Sir Arthur kindly butvehemently remonstrated on the danger of exposing himself, while in somuch pain, to the cold air; enumerated a whole host of remedies fordecayed teeth; suggested the great comfort and convenience of havingthe offender extracted by Hutchins, and ended by hoping his youngfriend would still have a tooth left for his proposed dinner atPortobello.

  "Depend upon me for that," replied Mr. De Crespigny, with forcedvivacity. "I shall ferret you out next week. I have little doubt yourpasture is excellent in that quarter, and there is no one from whom Iwould be half so happy to receive a soup ticket."

  "Keep your flattery for the ladies, where it will always beacceptable, and where I hear you are already an experiencedpractitioner in the arts of captivation. As for my dinner, I considerit an imposition to ask any friend, and not give him the best my cookand cellar can furnish; and you may expect whenever you do come, tofind a notice over my door, 'hot joints every day!'"

  "But it was the society of your house, and not the dinner, to which myagreeable anticipations were directed; and there, you know, I cannotbe disappointed! as somebody wisely said, when shown a tempting billof fare, 'show me a bill of the company!'"

  "That reminds me to say, you must not expect my pretty niece to be atmy little bathing machine of a house! It would not be fair to inveigleyou under such false pretences; but I promise you an old man'swelcome, and the best that my cottage can produce; aged as thisnewspaper makes me I enjoy every inch of life, and hope you, at thesame age, will do the same. I may almost apply to my little villa thatfavourite saying in Spain,

  'My home, my home! though thou'rt but small, Thou art to me th' Escurial.'"

  With a cordial shake of the hand, and a smile of cheerful benignity,Sir Arthur withdrew, and as his firm and stately step receded, Mr. DeCrespigny watched him with a look of respectful interest, which endedin his turning away after the admiral had disappeared, and heaving adeep sigh, while a cloud of care darkened on his forehead, and a lookof angry vexation shaded his previously animated eyes.

  Day after day passed on, subsequent to the preceding conversation,during which Sir Arthur frequently postponed his chop, to what heconsidered an atrociously late hour, in hopes of his promised guestappearing. Once the admiral felt positively convinced that he had seenhim enter a Portobello omnibus at four o'clock, but still he appearednot. Week after week elapsed, and still Sir Arthur ate his dinneralone, in long-surviving expectation that either his own not verydutiful nephew, or young De Crespigny, would "cast up;" but at lastthese hopes and wishes were ended by his hearing that Sir Patrick'sembarrassments had caused him to leave Edinburgh by moonlight, andthat, soon after, Mr. De Crespigny as suddenly departed, no one knewwhy, when, or wherefore.